The Resident

Mobile phones have changed horror films. While the Scream series used them in new and frightening ways, for most others they present a big problem - being chased by a psychotic murderer is less scary if you can just pull out your iPhone and dial 999.

New Hammer horror The Resident has a brilliant and unique way of getting round this problem: It is CLEARLY STATED in the first 10 minutes that mobile phones don't work in the block of flats where the film is set. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Anyway - imagine you had a stalker - and NOW imagine if that stalker lived in your house!

That's exactly what happens to poor Juliet (Hilary Swank)

Here's what we know about Juliet:
1) she likes jogging and taking baths (toned and likely to take her clothes off often)
2) she's an E.R. doctor (she may like taking her clothes off, but she's intelligent and important too)

But which of Juliet's two new landlords do you think is the crazy stalker obsessed with her?

Could it be the strange lonely old August, peering through th door cracks with his spooky eyes, OR is it his grandson Max, who has a lovely beard and a nice smile?

For people who've never watched Scooby Doo / or have a brain, the revelation that is is, in fact, the seemingly charming Max, may have been an exciting development - for everyone else, it's utterly boring. (August dies quietly a few minutes after this 'twist' and, having served his purpose, is never mentioned again.)

Jeffery Dean Morgan plays Max - a sort of sexier but slightly less mad Dave Lee Travis - who's psychotic tendancies are never satisfactorily explained. All we know about himm is this:
1) he likes drinking wine and hiding in cupboards (cultured but a bit evil)
2) he's good at DIY (useful for putting two-way mirrors into your tenants' flats)

His stalking kicks off quite innocently with a quick visit to Juliet's flat to brush his teeth her electric toothbrush, his face contorting with ecstacy as he works those back molars. Then, it's time to pop fully clothed into the empty bath and pleasure himself. However, his obsession with Juliet quickly esculates into hiding under her bed and licking her fingers while she's taking a nap.

When Juliet finds out, they have a big fight and she shoots Max in the brain.

If only her mobile had worked then she could have just called the police and had him arrested instead of brutally murdering him with a nail gun.

Still, he did love DIY so I'm sure that's the way he would have wanted to go.

The Resident is perhaps the most unorginial, linear film I have ever seen. With no surprises and no scares, it commits the ultimate sin for any horror film - it's dull.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

There's no point in actually reviewing G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - just look at this poster and imagine it -


It's exactly like that. Would-be reviewers might as well just write 'G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. Watch it if you like that sort of thing.' (In fact, I would suggest replacing EVERY film review with this simple phrase.)

Based on the 80's toy-line/cartoon show, GI Joe's are a bit like the SAS - some super-hard nutbags, a couple of ninjas and a token IT consultant - all saved for the extra hard missions the army can't handle.

There's Snake Eyes, a quiet ninja
Scarlett, an emotionally retarted super-brain
Heavy Duty, a gruff cockney with a soft centre
General Hawk, the team's leader who's not afraid to break the rules
and Breaker, the resident computer expert.

The film follows new recruits Duke and Rip-Cord as they try and save the world from a terrorist group lead by evil Scotsman Christopher Ecceleston.

(At the end, both Christopher Eccelston and side-kick Joseph Gordon-Levitt are given almost identical special metal faces. I think this is primarily so if there's a sequel, Christopher and Joseph don't have to turn up, and their parts can be played by any old cheap actor with a CGI metal face. In future this should be done at the end of all films. All the most famous actors will suddenly put a paper bag over their heads.)

Anyway, it's all very exciting and a bit like James Bond but completely de-sexulized and with no on-screen violence.

Sound rubbish? Well, despite having special effects only marginally better than these...

...G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra is probably the most perfect film ever made (for a 13 year old boy) - lots of guns, some sexy ladies -but nothing too saucy Mums!- and the complete destruction of the Eiffel Tower.

In fact, If you could project the contents of a child's mind as s/he played with the toys in the 1980s, it would probably look EXACTLY like this film - shit CGI and all.

But NO child's mind, no matter how twisted, could ever imagine anything as horribly wrong as Christopher Ecceleston's Scottish accent.

That's GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Watch it if you like that sort of thing.

Dark Knight Rises

Ooooh what's going to happen in the new Batman film? Will Robin be in it? Will the bat-suits have nipples on this time? Will it be as boring as Inception? Will Christian Bale speak in a less-growly voice this time so we might actually understand some of Batman's dialogue?

CALM DOWN BAT-FANS. The answers are all contained in this out-of-print graphic novel (right). I guarantee this is exactly what will more-or-less probably happen in The Dark Knight Rises, out next year:

Batman is on the run, with the Gotham Police Department charged with bringing him in. Reluctantly, Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman) heads up the Anti-Batman task force.

Second in command is Max Cort, (Tom Hardy), a cop set on hunting down and unmasking Batman.

When Cort goes to police psychiatrist Prof Hugo Strange (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) for treatment for his growing hatred of costumed vigilantes, Strange injects him with his 'Venom' drug, turning him into a costumed vigilante himself - Bane.

A prowler, Catwoman (Anne Hathaway), is sighted on the streets of Gotham. Thinking she's an associate of Batman, Bane attacks Catwoman, who is saved by Batman. (NOTE: BATMAN AND CATWOMAN MAY OR MAY NOT KISS AT THIS POINT. IF THIS DOES HAPPEN, BATMAN WILL QUICKLY PULL AWAY AND LOOK ANGRY)


Strange orders Bane/Cort to kidnap the Mayor's daughter to frame Batman. While trying to save her, Batman is injected with Strange's Venom drug and flashback to the murder of his parents. This causes him to question the nature of his vigilantism. Rescued by Alfred (Michael Caine), he rationalizes that being Batman represents an act of sanity and order that defies the madness and chaos represented by crime, he goes after Strange and Bane.

Meanwhile, with the help of Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman) Batman creates a new streamlined 'bat-mobile'.

In a final battle Batman defeats Bane with the help of Catwoman and reveals Cort and Strange's evil plan.

Batman is exonerated, but Gordon tells him there will always be those who seek to destroy him.

THE END. There you go, you now owe me £12, a massive box of weakly flavoured popcorn and 3hrs of your life.

Deadly Premonition

Rising Star Games, XBOX 360

Deadly Premonition has a pretty straight forward premise: F.B.I. agent Francis York Morgan is sent to the sleepy town of Greenvale to investigate the murder of a teenage girl.

So far, so ordinary. THEN IT GOES COMPLETELY BONKERS.

You play the part of York's imaginary friend Zach. Throughout, York chats happily to you about 80's movies and punk bands, seemingly unbothered by the mysterious 'Raincoat Killer' who's picking off the women of Greenvale one by one.

Your investigations around town interrogating the locals are sandwiched in between mind numbingly boring combat sections, picking up such vital clues as 'Sugared Doughnut' and 'Root Beer' and avoiding zombies who kill you by climbing into your mouth.

(These zombies are never properly explained and no other character in the game mentions them. Oh, and also, if York holds his breath, they can't see him. Obviously.)

Your F.B.I. duties also include giving an old woman a lift so her cooking pot doesn't get cold and going fishing.

Deadly Premonition surprises at every turn, and just when you think it can't get anymore ridiculous, it will have you laughing out loud at the screen.

Suddenly, in one level, you're not York anymore but playing the killer - IN THE 1950s. FOR NO REASON. Then, you're taking advice from a cup of coffee. Then, you're following a dog. Then, you're discussing sandwiches with a man in a gas mask to a soundtrack of terrible acid jazz.

The whole thing ends with your love-interest being abused and committing suicide, but not before York has failed to work out the identity of the killer (he's the mutated leader of a cross-dressing sex cult) and allowed 90% of Greenvale to be brutally killed. Hang on, two levels ago we were chatting to Zach about Kevin Bacon movies!

Despite the crushingly dull end-of-game bosses, tedious loading times and awkward controls, Deadly Premonition succeeds as a game because the sheer joy it's programmers put into it shines through. Even though the Twin Peaks inspired story is bizarre, it stays just the right side of nonsensical, always working within the game's own logic. This isn't just a collection of self consciously weird set-pieces - it does actually make sense (sort of). And by the time it's all over, you'll be so acclimatized to Deadly Premonition's world, you'll find yourself craving for obscure jazz and psychic coffee.

This is an ACTUAL GAME and you can buy it here

It's amazing.

Dancing on Ice

In this series of Dancing on Ice, the live shows are so long that they actually overlap with the next episode, creating a never-ending loop of ice dance where the only way of discerning between episodes is whether Holly Willoughby has got her boobs on display or not.

BUT Dancing on Ice uses a brilliant formula - take a boring show (Strictly Come Dancing) and make it 2x more exciting by putting it on ice.

GENIUS

But why stop there? Many rubbish shows could be infinetly improved by simply moving the exisiting format to a more dangerous location.

FOR EXAMPLE:

MasterChef - ON STILTS
All contestants - plus judge John Turrode - are forced to cook whilst balanced on stilts, equipped with extra-long cooking utensils and cutlery. Only Greg is allowed to sit on a giant high chair.

The X Factor - IN LIMBO
Singers voted out are sent directly to Hell, while winner's are granted a place in Heaven. This would explain why beautiful angel Matt Cardle was crowned winner and evil Gamu was dispatched as soon as possible.

Loose Women - ON THE M6
Self explanatory.

Cash in the Attic... IN AN ATTIC
The whole show takes place in presenter Angela Rippon's own attic. Minimum lighting adds to the atmosphere while Angela controls the sole torch. No one is allowed to leave the attic for the duration of the program. The logo would look exactly like this:

X FACTOR WEEK SEVEN: BEATLES

after Wagner's heated debate with Cheryl this week on the merits of council estates, let's have a look at the TOP SIX X FACTOR CONTROVERSIES THIS SERIES:

6. Aston's lack of coloured earpiece

All the other memebers of JLS managed to turn up with their designated colour coordinated earpieces/mircophones for this performance of Love You More. SO WHY NOT ASTON? He should be immediately replaced with Lenny Henry.


5. Exclusion of Princes and Rogues

Why oh why did Simon chose to leave this post-modern take on the boyband out of his top four? The geeky one, the geeky one, the one with the glasses, the one with the bow tie and the other geeky one were amongst the cream of Boot Camp.


4. Aiden's "friend's" twitter leak text message

what lovely friends Aiden must have. Half an hour before the results, they send him a nice encouraging text - 'Twitter leak says you're probably going home mate, unlucky.'
BUT WHERE DID THE TWITTER LEAK COME FROM AND HAS IT BEEN PLUGGED? No one has ever mentioned it again


3. John Adeleye's backing dancers

So appauled by the grotesque sexual gyrating exhibited by John's dancers during his snoozesome performance of Zoom, the judges have since insisted that all contestants can only be accompained by their grandmothers doing the foxtrot. Except Katie of course.

2. Zain refuses to dance at Boot Camp

Zain gives a small glimpse of the total disinterest he would eventually show in One Direction by refusing to take part in the group dance lesson. Simon gave him a good talking to, and now he's the new Sean from 5ive.

1. Simon Cowell's hatred of staircases

Gamu's death sentence was instantly forgotten when Simon and Cheryl came close to blows over Cher Lloyd's twirly staircase.

X FACTOR WEEK FIVE: AMERICAN ANTHEMS