FINALLY, the new hosts of ITV1's X-FACTOR have been announced, putting an end to 25 years of exciting speculation.
Simon Cowell will appear, but only as a gigantic CGI puppet, created by ITV bosses at a cost of £22 million. Cowell has pre-recorded eight selected phrases including 'Yes', 'No', 'Maybe' and 'Totally wrong song choice'
The line up is completed by:
Stepping into Louis Walsh's still-warm shoes is 82 year old Peter Stringfellow. 15 years Louis's junior, Stringfellow has promised to adopt American Idol judge Randy Jackson's catchphrase "Dog!", which he is contractually obliged to say 32 times per show.
With both Minogue sisters now out of ITV1's price range, producers have signed baby Ethan to an exclusive 3 season deal. (Danni Minogue will appear with Ethan during Judges Houses.)
Having experienced extreme rejection to the point of extradition, no one is better placed to destroy the dreams of this year's hopefuls than pop sensation Gamu. (Will only appear via video link)
EDDIE OUT OF CHARLES AND EDDIE
Taking over from Cowell as the 'mean' judge, Eddie, from 1990s pop duo Charles and Eddie, hates all forms of popular song - including and especially Would I Lie To You. Eddie is reported to be have agreed a fee of £1billion per episode.