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Saturday, 1 May 2010

Superman Returns

Superman Returns begins as our hero gets back from a holiday in space to find no one really missed him. Even his ex-girlfriend Lois Lane is married off to the bloke who plays Cyclops out of the X-Men.

She obviously has quite bad taste in men - they are two of the dullest super-heroes ever.

Superman was always boring because he was invincible, which made sorting out any world-threatening problems pretty simple.

The other boring thing about Superman is his non-disguise. Some idiots like to mock the people of Metropolis for not realising that Clark Kent is Superman. After all, his disguise consists solely of a pair of glasses and some hair gel. Superman has seen Batman's disguise, you know. He's seen it and he still decided to just go with the glasses. They are a lot easier to take on and off. Also Superman wears his costume under his clothes which is a bit risky if he ever goes to the gym or spills coffee down his shirt. BUT Superman does not NEED a disguise because no one expects him to have a secret identity! Why would you expect that? You would expect it off Batman precisely because he -does- wear a mask. But because Superman doesn't, people just think he is Superman all the time, with no alter-ego. (If Batman tried beating people up without his mask on, people would just say 'why is millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne doing that?. And why is he hanging around with Robin?')

So now you see why Superman's "non-disguise" is so clever.

Anyway, in this film, Lex Luthor invents some sort of magic island out of space crystals.


The only people in the film that actually know or care about the island scheme are Superman and Lois Lane. And that is only because they happen to be around at the time. Despite Lex Luthor repeatedly telling us 'billions of people will die!' there is never any sense of real danger - all he does is make an island in the middle of the ocean - made of kryptonite (which, by the way, is harmless to all humans).

Oh well, at least by making it out of kryptonite Lex has stopped Superman from simply picking it up and throwing it into the sun, right?

Sorry - what's that? For some unknown reason the kryptonite doesn't affect Superman when he's underneath it? Unlucky Luthor! You forgot about that didn't you? In your face!

(Watch out for the especially pointless part of the film here when Superman flies to the island, rescues Lois, then she flies back to the mainland, then suddenly changes her mind, flies back to the island AGAIN, picks up Superman, flies back to the mainland with him, and then he changes his mind and flies back to the island. AGAIN.)

Actually, the kryptonite must have hurt Superman a little bit because he has to go to hospital afterwards to recover. It must be because of all the special anti-kryptonite poisoning medicine they have at all earth hospitals. It is standard. So Superman lays in a hospital bed for a bit and then he is okay again, just enough time to annoy Lois, taunting his presence in her face before flying off, leaving her confused and heart broken.

Superman Returns is supposed to be about old lovers returning and stirring up old feelings. But this theme is left completely unresolved. Lois is still in love with Superman but she also quite likes her husband, so everyone is left a bit miserable at the end. Thank God that evil island was sorted out though. I was worried about that.

Mark Out Of Seven: 2

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